Nobody needs to tell you who to root for on Super Bowl Sunday. If you have any sort of heart, any feelings of sentimentality when it comes to sports, you will know who to cheer on. Unless you were born loving Andy Van Slyke you will be rooting for the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals. If you didn’t grow up a Steelers fan and you are jumping on their bandwagon I just have a few questions to ask you. Did you root for the Hawks? Did you cry when the Russians lost? Are you sexually aroused when someone screams “get him a body bag, yeah!”? Where do you keep your Claude Lemieux autographed puck? Do you love Gunner Stahl? (Did you really think I was going to let this go on without referencing the Mighty Ducks at least twice?) Have you no decency? This might be a bit harsh, but the Cardinals are an extremely likable team. Larry Fitzgerald has already had the greatest postseason of any wide receiver ever, the Arizona defense is creating excitement through turnovers, and, I might be the only one, but I want to see Edgerrin James get a legitimate ring. To think that just seven weeks ago Tarvaris Jackson was scorching them for four touchdowns. The same Tarvaris Jackson that, while playing the Eagles, got body slammed with such violent force that the young quarterback was so addled the next drive he led the Vikings downfield for a touchdown. Poor thing –he didn’t know what he was doing. Now that I’ve decided who you’re going to root for, it’s important that you are ahead of the curve on the most entertaining aspect of the game: prop bets. Sure you can wager money on prop bets throughout the season, but that would require a gambling addiction so severe you’d have to serve an 18 – month super secret suspension. So kick back and relax because I’m not finished here until I’ve made my classic ironclad predictions and you’ve lost copious amounts of money.
Winner of the coin toss: Arizona Cardinals It’s fairly widely known that the Cardinals have never lost a coin toss while being more than five point underdogs, away from home at a stadium that features a pirate ship while the wind is blowing between 10 and 20 miles per hour from a non-cardinal direction. And what, pray tell, is the National Weather Service predicting? That’s right, the wind’s going to be blowing out of the Northeast at 13 MPH. Lock.
First Score: Pittsburgh Steelers, Safety
Adrian Wilson will use his incredibly vertical leap to intercept a ball at the Cardinals own one yard line. After breaking the huddle Warner prays to Jesus for a miracle 99 yard touchdown pass that will start his team on the path to victory. Unfortunately, Jesus is away getting a snack — he only watches for the commercials — and Warner will be pummeled by James Harrison so hard that Al Michaels will think he died. Halftime Score: Cardinals 17 Steelers 9
Matt Leinart will fill in admirably for the injured Warner throwing for two touchdowns, connecting with Steve Breaston on one and the other coming on a dazzling throw and catch with Larry Fitzgerald that will undoubtedly be the sole non-beer bong highlight of his professional career. All this occurs while Anquan Boldin sits on the sideline, weeping softly to himself.
Super Bowl MVP: Troy Polamalu
While sitting in the locker room at the half, Leinart realizes that there is no way his good play can continue. Resigned to this fact he comes out in the third quarter determined to do what he did every other game this season: scan the stands for hot chicks. Unfortunately, during a crucial play in the fourth quarter he will see the most beautiful flowing locks he has ever laid eyes on. Instinctively he will playfully lob the football in the girl’s general direction and Troy Polamalu will return the pick for the game-clinching touchdown.
Final Score: Steelers 29 Cardinals 20